Friday, September 20, 2013
This Time Around
my first few weeks of motherhood scared the pants off me. i was nervous to hold my own child, worried i'd drop her or trip while walking down the stairs with her. jeff changed her diapers and rocked her to sleep more often than i did. i was nearly paralyzed the day he went back to work and left me alone with her. my baby blues were in full swing. i cried throughout the day for no reason—but also because my nipples hurt and i still couldn't fit into my regular clothes and there was never time to take a shower. a messy house stressed me out, so while evie slept i cleaned instead of napped. i felt like i'd started a new full-time job—the hardest job i'd ever had—one without weekends or breaks and no way out. no previous experience required.
and for some reason, i've agreed to do it all over again.
i'm promising myself it'll be easier this time. i'm vowing not to stress over a messy house. i'm swearing not to beat myself up when i let evie watch tv while i nurse the baby; i'll try not to recall the articles i've read about tv being detrimental to her learning and development, and i won't wonder if i'm doing the wrong thing. i'll go with the flow.
i won't get as frustrated when it's 3am and my baby won't sleep, because i'll know those sleepless nights won't last long—they won't even last a second. i won't let a fear of breastfeeding in public stop me from taking my toddler to the park, the library or out for ice cream, newborn in tow. if there's ever a time when evie is napping while the baby is asleep, i'll take a nap, too. and when the baby is six weeks old and has been pleasant all day but starts screaming his head off right as jeff walks through the door, around 5:30pm, and jeff says, "this sucks," i'll bring up the times when evie did the same thing, and we'll try to laugh it off, go with the flow.
despite my goals, i know some things will be the same as last time. i'll love this kid as much as i love evie. i'll buy too many new toys and books for him. i'll cry when i drop him off at daycare for the first time. when i take him and Evie out to lunch with my girlfriends, i'll mechanically give my friends only 50-percent of my attention, the other 50-percent focused on my kids—what evie's drawing on her paper menu, how my baby's lips turn up into a quick smile as he sleeps.
this time around, i'll be better prepared for the good times as well as the trying ones. and i'll already know that a big chocolaty drink from the drive-through starbucks will make the trying ones a little bit better.