Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Six Stages of Pregnancy

all you mamas and soon-to-be mamas will get a chuckle out of this article i found on pregnant chicken. i'm still in the awkward stage 2 (when you look fat but not pregnant), eagerly awaiting stage 3 and, of course, stage 6. this is a photo of me from october 2011 (definitely stage 4). i blame my lack of blogging lately on stage 1.

stage 1: you just found out you're pregnant. you're excited (or horrified) and you can't believe you're going to be a mother. you may be scared to give birth and wonder how you're going to do it. everywhere you look you see pregnant women. you're tired. like, really tired. every pain and twinge you wonder if it's because you're pregnant. you wonder if people can tell that you're pregnant – sort of like when you wonder if people can tell if you're drunk (hopefully, you aren't wondering this at the same time).

stage 2: you look fat but not pregnant. you can see people kind of looking at you wondering but it seems weird to blurt out "i'm pregnant!"  you may or may not have told people by now. the people you've told ask you how you're feeling all the time. you may have bought a couple of maternity things that you think you can wear after the baby comes. you may be tired, sick, have sore boobs and have to pee constantly. it's a delicious luck of the draw.

stage 3: you're really cute and could be an ad for a maternity store. everyone can see that you're pregnant and congratulates you and tells you how wonderful you look. you feel great. nothing hurts and you don't feel sick anymore. this stage usually lasts for about 27 minutes.

stage 4: you're starting to find it hard to breathe and things are starting to swell. you're sick of people asking you if you know what you're having, when you're due and if you've decided on a name. you're tired of wearing the same maternity clothes but you don't want to buy new stuff because you're almost done. shaving your legs, putting shoes and tending to your lady bits is becoming difficult.

stage 5: you feel enormous and none of your maternity clothes fit. you want to crash through walls and shout "oh yeah!" like the koolaid man. people keep saying "haven't you had that baby yet?" you have a new appreciation for how difficult it is for the elderly and morbidly obese to get around and swear you're going to become an advocate for their rights once you catch your breath. you're no longer scared of birth, you just want this kid out of you, and if that means pulling it through your right nostril, so be it. 

stage 6: the baby is here. you want to burn your maternity clothes on the front lawn. you're no longer pregnant and you're looking forward to getting your body back, a full night's sleep and eating a nice, hot meal. wait. what?

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  1. Funny! I remember all of those stages well. :) Hoping you get to stage 3 sooner rather than later! Hang in there!

  2. Currently stage 4 LOL. It's like the day I hit the 3rd trimester any feeling of comfort or cuteness disappeared. Anxiously awaiting stage 6- although, happy to wait. This bun has a bit more cooking to do! Congrats on your pregnancy!

  3. Lol!! I definitely relate with stage 5. Every time I would come to work with my huge belly, people would look at me and ask "not yet?" as if I could do something about it!! This is hilarious and so true!

  4. thanks for the heads up. i will try and remember to not turn into the kool-aid man!

  5. I am yearning for stage 3! I've been sick sick sick for 9 weeks now but as of yesterday I havent had any morning sickness! Still taking my zofran and have my sweet plastic sea sick bands on bc I am scared to death if I stop it will all come back! I def have a belly but that could be bc I have gained 10 lbs already. Not being able to eat hardly anything results in chicken strips with ranch, lean cuisines and crap when I used to eat super clean. After lunch though I def look pregnant but I still feel flabby and think people most likely just agree I am just fat! I also look awful and in the last 3 weeks I've had strep AND a sinus infection on 2 separate accounts. Swell! I have baby pimples allll over my forehead that I've never seen before and I seriously feel like I look hideous. Of course we have 5 weddings this summer all while I am feeling like a hobo. Joy! And yes, I had a friend drop by work last week with 3 baby things for me, 3 of which I do not want. I just smiled and nodded and 1 week later they are still sitting in the front seat of my little 2 door civic coupe. Ugh. Stage 3, where are you?! Oh, and the exhaustion! I am sooo damn tired all the time!

  6. This is hilarious, scary and exciting all at the same time! I hope stage 3 comes soon for you and lasts for more than 27 minutes :)