Friday, May 3, 2013
today's blog every day in may prompt: things that make you uncomfortable. lately, this is what does it:
the thought of handing my daughter over to a complete stranger who will knock her out and cut into her tiny eyelid while i wait nervously in the lobby. (evelyn's congenital ptosis has started to affect her vision, so she's having surgery to correct it on may 14. i'm not particularly looking forward to it.)
it'll be even worse than evie's first trial-run at daycare a year ago. after dropping her off for the first time, i cried for a whole hour, strolling the aisles of target to pass the time because i didn't want to go home to a quiet house, an empty crib, a vacant baby swing that usually filled the living room with lullabies. it just doesn't feel right handing your child over to someone you've only met once in an interview or at a consultation, no matter how qualified the person is.
i can see myself on the day of surgery: gnawing on what's left of my stubby fingernails, pacing the hallways, downing coffee, praying my baby wakes up happy and with an eye that's not totally botched because we chose the wrong doctor. (did we choose the wrong doctor? i guess there's no way to know for sure.)
the thought makes me uncomfortable, but i'm relieved to know this will be behind us in a few short weeks. evie may need a second surgery when she's older, when her face is more developed, but pretty soon she'll be able to see better, and that's what matters. i'm also relieved we sought a second opinion because something about the first one didn't feel quite right. we’re so thankful for the experience, patience and confidence of the doctor we chose.
i'll still worry and wonder about the doctor and surgery until may 14, of course, but worrying comes with the motherhood territory. i'll never again be worry free, and i'll never again be a heavy sleeper. (before evie was born, i slept through an earthquake. now i wake at the sound of her cough.) but the love i feel for my baby girl makes up for everything.